Made my heart sink

On my way home from school today, I saw one of my students on the street. He hasn't been to school in about a month now, but I always see him at least once a week, hanging on the street, usually smoking. It has always HIT me just how sad it is but today I got a good punch to the stomach.

He is 16. He has been to juvenile hall once. He says that he chooses when to come to school and when not to and no one can tell him otherwise.

Today, he was smoking a cigarette, rolling dice on the street with a 45 year old woman. At 4:15 pm he was gambling openly.

And the reason I got so upset about it is because I just cannot imagine what is going on in his mind to NOT come to school once in the last month. What is he thinking when he chooses gambling, smoking and god knows what else over his education?

And, where is his life going to lead as a result? How do I help influence him? How do we, as a school community, get involved in his life to lead him back to school?

Is it my job? And if it isn't my job whose job is it? Because I don't see anyone else stepping to the plate....

One of many heart throb moments I have had in the last week regarding some of the African-American males in my class. Last night, I read this article that compared living in Oakland to living in a war zone. 16 year old African-American males are 16 times more likely to die than their white counterparts. Homicide is the LEADING cause of death for 10-24 year old African American males.....

What are we not doing right? And what can we begin to do in order to help these young men find the value in education and the value in their life?

Doin' the best I can...

I remember this time last year...the 7th week of school when you begin to become a bit exhausted by the work. The physical and emotional toll have hit me but I think the biggest difference this year is that I can SEE just how dysfunctional parts of the district are. I have begun to view programs/services/departments with a critical eye and am frustrated. Today, people saw that frustration on my face.

I am a teacher and I don't make that much money for the work that I am doing. Work that I think should be valued and respected because it is IMPORTANT. I have 19 lives depending on me to educate them so that they can become productive members of society. I have only been at my school site for a year now, but I would like to think I understand my students better than an outsider.

The district or rather special education assigned me a reading coach. I love having people in my room and openly invite anyone to observe me, the students and provide me feedback. That is what allows me to become a better teacher and thus impacting my students in a positive manner. So, the reading coach observed me today. I have already had a very negative interaction with her a month ago while I was attending training. But, I was looking forward to someone observing me and providing me feedback in order to enhance my teaching. I also think that I am very good at receiving feedback even if it is critical-that's a skill I learned playing sports.

Well for 30 minutes today, this reading coach did not have a single positive thing to say to me about my classroom or my teaching. I sat there in disbelief, holding back tears because I was so frustrated. I can't believe that she observed me for 30 minutes with students who she does not know and then provided me with the feedback that she did. Even if she feels that I am an ineffective teacher, she did not go about providing suggestions in a constructive way. I am extremely frustrated and hurt. The worst part about it is she is coming back tomorrow.

I know that I need to move past it today and take what I can from what she said and put it to good use in order to inform my teaching...I also need to put a smile back on my face and remember who I am there to influence-the students...Ultimately, I am there to teach the students. I am there to influence them in a positive way so that they stay off the streets and in the classroom. No matter what, they rely on me to be a stable source of positivity and inspiration....

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday :)

Why?

Some ask why I am teaching ....some ask why I am teaching where I am...some people ask me why I teach the students I do....

Throughout the last 14 months, I have done a lot of thinking. Deep thinking. Thinking about who I am, the values I hold, what is important and what is not, my future, what I want from the future. I have also had endless time to reflect on the work I am doing in East Oakland with the students I am working with.

Some people tell me that this job is setting me up for the future, setting me up to bigger and better things. But, this job has made me a better person. It has taught me what resiliency is; it has taught me about inequalities that exist all across America, about racism and how it is still playing a part in today's society. I have changed. And I am proud of who I am changing into.

I can't control the future. I don't know what I want to do in the future but I do know that I feel like I am in the right place at the right time for the first time in my life. And for now, it feels good and right and challenging and emotional but good.

So to answer those questions that people ask me daily, I say that I am doing some of the most important work in America with some of the most incredible people by my side. And, the future will fall into place-it always does.

*On another note, my principal paid me a really nice compliment today that just felt good at a time with my students that has been extremely rough the last couple weeks. He said it is his privilege to work alongside a smart, dedicated and hardworking teacher....*