Dis-illusionment

The typical 1st year teacher's cycle looks something like this:

Anticipation - July, August
Survival - September
Disillusionment - October, November, December
Rejuvenation - January, February, March
Reflection - April, May, June

I will be honest, I was not feeling disillusioned until my assistant principal wrote me an e-mail a week ago expressing her concern for me (in a good way) and telling me that if I can make it to holiday break, that I will have survived the year. Disillusionment can be characterized by feelings of being overwhelmed, constantly stressed, exhausted, sick, and more. I think that in my case, it mostly is just exhaustion. This week I was truly exhausted....I get enough sleep and I eat and I exercise but the emotional toll that these students take on me is exhausting. And I have a long way to go until December 18th...well, about 6 weeks (I think that is the countdown).

I went to church this morning and in a way, it revitalized me. The pastor was talking about being a leader in the workplace and how your leadership is temporary and God has placed you there to influence and lead others in the right direction. I think it bascially summarizes me teaching in Oakland. It reminded me that my students look to me for guidance, for knowledge and to teach them in order to elevate them to a new level. It reminded me that I lead my classroom in the direction it is going to go for that day. And it reminded me to have fun along the way, to celebrate small successes and learn from small failures. After all, I am a first year teacher and everything is nowhere near perfect and that is okay. I still have my students who look to me as the expert and it is my job to enable them to achieve.

So, here I am...sitting in the period of dis-illusionment and if this is the worst that it gets, I can handle it. Exhaustion just means I am working as hard as possible to make my classroom and my students the best it can be. And until December 18th, that is exactly what I will be doing.

Biggest compliment in the world!

So a student of mine (one of mine who typically gets in trouble) stayed in my class for lunch and made the past 7 weeks all worth it...He started out by asking me if he was going to be allowed to stay in my class for the rest of his high school career and I wasn't clear on what he was asking me so I tried to clarify. He just said that he wanted to stay in my class and that most of his past teachers didn't want him in the class and were very mean to him and others.
I explained to him that I love having him in class and that I can't just kick a student out....he went on to say the following:

Student: Ms. S., you are cool. You have been to prom (a conversation from earlier in the day), you treat me real fair and nice, and I like being in your class.
Me: Thanks, that means more than you know. I think that I try and be as fair as possible and demand a lot from you, but that we also can have fun too at times. I am glad you like being here.
Student: A lot of my past teachers have been real mean. They end up getting hit by students.
Me: I hope that is not going to happen in my class...
Student: NO WAY Ms. S! I really like you as my teacher and so does everyone else in the class. No one would ever do that to you and I would protect you.
Me: Thanks....

Just when I think I can't handle another day of getting cussed at, argued with and fought with a student comes through. In 7 weeks, I have made a difference in this child's life. My strict classroom behavior and expectations for them have shined through....for a student who I have regularly asked to leave class, I got through to him. I know that him and I will have more bad days in the future, but I don't take it personal....this student has had a whole history of terrible educational experiences. In 7 weeks, I have made progress with him by being consistent, positive and academically engaging.

I may not hear those same sentiments from other students whether or not they think like he does or not....but for one student, he likes coming to my classroom and wants to remain with me for the rest of his high school career. This is why I teach in Oakland....

Maybe a lil glimmer of hope

Well, I might have seen a slight glimmer of hope but I don't want to speak TOO soon. I actually enjoyed myself this week at work, for the first time. I enjoyed teaching, we had fun, my students took 2 tests and did pretty well. And I only had to kick out 2 students ALL week. Maybe, just maybe my consistency is paying off...but again, don't want to speak too soon. Today, we had a day off and it was SO nice to be able to work in the classroom for a few hours because I haven't done much work since school began and I got to update things and get it cleaned up.
We have Back to School Night next Thursday evening where we have a pot luck (teachers have to bring a dish) and we hand out report cards (1st grading period) and we meet with parents...typically not very many come, but we will see. I also got put in charge of Homecoming for the football team...I have NO time to do any of this but I am going to try and make it fun. I am trying to coordinate a parade, similar to what we did at USC for each of the grades to compete against each other with a golf cart.
But my students and I built balloon towers yesterday in class. The males competed against the females and the males ended up winning by 2 inches. It was SO much fun! And finally the first GREAT bonding experience between all my students. AND another HUGE step was that I had kids read aloud in English class. I usually can only convince two students to read aloud but yesterday I used a new strategy and got all but two kids to read aloud...it was a BIG step!

But alas, this weekend I will be working on putting together lesson plans for next week and completing IEPS. Let's see how next week goes...hopefully more teaching and less babysitting

Wow

Well, this week has been a complete experience. I think my class has hit just about where it typically is (evidenced by some of the students comments and others actions). This week, fighting has been a norm, verbal arguments have been typical and I have felt like a manager of behavior trying to prevent fights rather than teaching. I had a breakdown yesterday and scheduled a meeting with my principal and assistant principal to discuss action steps because the class couldn't continue like it was. Two of my female students asked me at separate times:
1. Why are people so mean?
2. I hate coming to school because I have to deal with these people in the classroom and security is constantly inside.
I just hate the fact that I have 6-7 incredible students who come to school because they want to learn and I have not been able to fully teach them because I am managing the other 6-7 people in the classroom. So anyway, I relayed all this information and more to my principal yesterday and felt much better after I left.
Today, I dismissed half of the class for either classroom behavior (refusing to sit in their seat, rapping inappropriately-my vocabulary has been largely expanded, or just pure dis-respect) and the other half of class for fighting. Each of them will be having a parent-teacher-student conference tomorrow before they are allowed back in class. So, I hope that we sent a message to them today not to mess around and that class is for learning and for nothing else. It is seriously just crazy how short their tempers are and how inappropriate some of their language towards one another is.
But alas, I show up and I teach and I support and I am here. The end of the 1st grading period is next week and it will be a major wake-up call to many students in my class. They receive a grade for being on time and completing the warm-up and 95% of my students are NOT in class to do that warm-up which is pathetic that they don't care. So the average grade in each of my classes is a D......really sad.
Here is to Friday and hopefully the good that results from dismissing students from class for the day.