I thought I should blog about today while it was fresh in my mind and before I forget the sheer emotion that came out throughout the day. I have great intuition and just had a feeling this morning that I was in for a not so great day and boy, was I correct.
We got through 1st period just fine with the students super engaged and on task; it helped that my principal stopped by for half of the period. But, then the start of 2nd period came and here is where we never recovered. One of my male students came in late rapping loudly and I reminded him that if he is late he needs to come in quietly and start the warm-up. He gave me attitude but sat down and I was giving more directions when a female student (who is 6 months pregnant) told the male student to stop rapping so she could hear my instructions. He got upset, started rapping about her and before I knew it both students were out of their seats cussing at one another and starting to talk about how they should go outside to fight. I asked the male student to remove himself from the room when he said, 'I am cool. F**k no, I am not going outside.' I went outside to try and track down a security guard when I saw my assistant principal and asked her to escort a student. She came inside and it quickly got worse. With the help of other students we got the male student outside, and people restrained the female student. I think what absolutely floored me is that this population of students feels that it is TOTALLY okay to speak to whoever with dis-respect. It DOES NOT matter if you are a male or female-totally bizarre. And from that point until lunch, I just lost the class. People were running their mouth, walking around the room, not listening. It was just terrible. And for the 1st time, with 20 minutes to go, I just gave up. I did because no one was listening and nothing I did was changing that.
I sat in my room during lunch and cried when an air conditioner technician walked through the door to fix my air conditioner and instead just sat with me for an hour. I had never met the man but for an hour, he listened and affirmed that indeed, I am doing a noble thing and I am making a difference. The pure fact that I show up, and care (evident by my frustration in crying) is more than these students will ever express and at some point in the year, 2-3 of them will reap the rewards of my hard work. I truly believe that at that moment, God was watching down on me because he was just about the nicest stranger I have ever met and I walked away knowing that I cannot give up.
I blame my students for their behavior and they are in control of what they say and what they do BUT I also don't blame them to a certain extent because in their everyday environment they constantly see it around them.
I walked away super frustrated and upset today but with my tears dried up because a stranger told me that I could call him anytime if I ever need to hear that I am doing something good in this world and that these kids need me.
So, here's to Friday and the students who show up to learn and the tough face that I will put on when I walk into my classroom.
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