This morning at a conference I had to attend as part of OTF, I was asked to give a welcome to other first year teachers...and here is what I said.....
I am currently teaching a high school special day class where I teach 4 core subjects to a group of 15 students on a daily basis.
It is hard to believe that it is the first week in December as I can vividly remember almost every single school day since August 31st.
I remember the very first student I met, K, who comes to class early every morning to play my favorite music, country. He does it just to be nice even though I know he secretly hates country music. I can remember L, the student who consistently gets dismissed from my class, coming back after school one day to ask if I would write a letter to his girlfriend for him. I remember the day that C, a student who ALWAYS says at least 1 highly inappropriate thing to me every day, staying at lunchtime to let me know that if any student tried to hurt me, he would be there to protect me because I am a good teacher. I also remember the 2nd day of school and the exact moment that I was caught like a deer in headlights when 2 boys started a physical fight inside my classroom-I was not prepared to react.
But, in a little over 3 months I have had the privilege to get to know 15 incredible students. Each of them arrives at school looking for love and support and the opportunity to learn so that they can succeed after high school. I would be lying if I said this job hasn’t tested my patience, determination and sheer will. My students have tested my ability to remain calm when there is nothing else calm in the room; they have forced me outside my comfort zone when trying to de-escalate a verbal/physical confrontation; my students have taught me what it means to be resilient when they show up to school every day no matter what.
I think the best way to characterize my experience thus far is to share this past Wednesday with you. This past week has been extremely tough with most of my students being involved in some sort of confrontation with one another, and many inappropriate behaviors during the time we spent together. During 2nd period, I was hardly teaching because I was dealing with students outside while still trying to maintain the class inside. A freshman student needed to be dismissed for the day and I was discussing with him outside the reasons why he was leaving and he started to cry with me. He didn’t go into much detail but let me know that I have no idea what home life is like. It was a BIG step for him as this student has always put up very tough skin. The bell rung and 3rd period came. It was still chaos. I decided that instead of teaching science that I would put my students in a circle and let them know the reality of what was going on. For the next 30 minutes, I talked and for the first time, there was complete silence in the room. Each student looked me in the eye and understood exactly what I was saying. I expressed to them why I am teaching in Oakland and why I show up to school every single day. I let my 15 students know that I love and support each one of them and the goals we have set for them are achievable. We talked about building a class community where we support one another and build each other up instead of tearing one another apart.
And, then I cried. I cried in front of my class. I couldn’t hold in my frustration, and the pure anxiety I have when I think that these 15 students may never graduate unless we can get them on track. I think ultimately they were shocked because no one said anything for a couple minutes. And then L, the student who I love and hate, said, “Well, we want you to know that we show up to school to see you for 4 1/2 hours a day for a reason. We make that choice when we wake up in the morning. I hope that means something to you.” He then came and gave me a hug…
To each of you, I hope that you have had that moment that has reaffirmed why you teach in Oakland. These students are incredibly brilliant, resilient and motivated. And it is our job to give them the quality education that they deserve. Thank you for the work you have done in the past 3 months and thank you for the incredible work you will continue to do for years to come…
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What a return to school...
I had a whole 9 days away from my students and enjoyed every single minute of it...I was not ready to return to my classroom, to each of them and was really not ready to teach. But Monday rolled around and 90% of my class was on time to class (a rarity) and we had a good day together...I was surprised how well behaved they were for a Monday especially a Monday after a whole week off.
Then Tuesday came...my aide started in the classroom and what a first day he had. I think we had just about every single student out of the class at one point or another. Their behavior was AWFUL, insulting, dis-respectful...I hadn't seen them like this since September. But, we all got through it and I was glad when 4th period ended....I cried at the end of the day but got ready for today and having a much better day.
Well, I can report that today is a day to remember in my teaching career. It was the first time that I openly wept in front of my students. Again, their behavior was off task, disrespectful towards one another, very little work being completed and defiant of requests. I took a student outside between 2nd and 3rd period to escort him to the office when he started crying because he was so upset about his home life. He didn't go into details but to see this student angry and crying just broke my heart. I went inside the classroom and made my students sit in a circle and gave them a talk for about 30 minutes and that is where I cried. I expressed my frustration at not being able to teach them because of all the bul-shit in the classroom and I expressed how dis-heartened I was that I was not helping them earn a diploma because I was trying to control their actions. I reaffirmed my love for them and let them know that I show up for a reason because I care about every single one of them but that this classroom could not remain how it has been. I was embarrassed that I cried but then again, maybe they needed to see that I am human, that I have feelings and that I truly care about them. Maybe they need a reality check of how I feel as their teacher. I don't know if it had any impact or whether they will think about it when they go home tonight...but it happened and I will never be able to take those tears back.
I also had a very scary moment when a female student stopped responding at the end of class and went limp (we couldn't feel a pulse). I immediately called my principal who called 911 but she was "out" for about 2 minutes and when she became alert again, she was unable to answer any questions. I feel terrible for this girl but she suffers from panic attacks and there is no telling why she gets them or what causes them. I was very very scared and will be following up.
This job has thrown some very trying days in my way...today was no exception.
Then Tuesday came...my aide started in the classroom and what a first day he had. I think we had just about every single student out of the class at one point or another. Their behavior was AWFUL, insulting, dis-respectful...I hadn't seen them like this since September. But, we all got through it and I was glad when 4th period ended....I cried at the end of the day but got ready for today and having a much better day.
Well, I can report that today is a day to remember in my teaching career. It was the first time that I openly wept in front of my students. Again, their behavior was off task, disrespectful towards one another, very little work being completed and defiant of requests. I took a student outside between 2nd and 3rd period to escort him to the office when he started crying because he was so upset about his home life. He didn't go into details but to see this student angry and crying just broke my heart. I went inside the classroom and made my students sit in a circle and gave them a talk for about 30 minutes and that is where I cried. I expressed my frustration at not being able to teach them because of all the bul-shit in the classroom and I expressed how dis-heartened I was that I was not helping them earn a diploma because I was trying to control their actions. I reaffirmed my love for them and let them know that I show up for a reason because I care about every single one of them but that this classroom could not remain how it has been. I was embarrassed that I cried but then again, maybe they needed to see that I am human, that I have feelings and that I truly care about them. Maybe they need a reality check of how I feel as their teacher. I don't know if it had any impact or whether they will think about it when they go home tonight...but it happened and I will never be able to take those tears back.
I also had a very scary moment when a female student stopped responding at the end of class and went limp (we couldn't feel a pulse). I immediately called my principal who called 911 but she was "out" for about 2 minutes and when she became alert again, she was unable to answer any questions. I feel terrible for this girl but she suffers from panic attacks and there is no telling why she gets them or what causes them. I was very very scared and will be following up.
This job has thrown some very trying days in my way...today was no exception.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Treadin' water
It has been awhile since my last post....due in part to weekend vacations, and IEPS needing to be written but also just the pure exhaustion that I feel at this point in the year. Things in the classroom have been moving, whether they are moving as quickly in a positive direction as I would have hoped, I am still not sure. I am sure that I absolutly cannot wait for Thanksgiving break and those 10 days I get away from my classroom. I feel like I need a good kick in the butt to get inspired again.
This is not to say I have given up. I think that I have done anything but that. But, I think I have begun to get frustrated that my students don't necessarily care about their learning and/or grades. They sit in class, some listen and some don't, and then they complain or tear the quiz up when they can't answer the questions. If they would half the effort into their learning as they do with their disruptions, their potential would soar. Class would be enjoyable 95% of the time and we would have WAY more fun than we are right now. The same handful of students continue to give me problems and I have now resorted to trying to work with them, but also dismissing them from class for the day...it gets to them more than they admit to me.
The second grading period ends next Friday and I have a senior who is failing 5 out of 6 of his classes and doesn't seem to care (he has passed the previous 3 years). I have tried multiple strategies to engage him and just can't seem to. I have a junior who sits in the back of the room with a blank stare and completes just about 5% of his work. I have a freshman who comes to school just about once a month and each time she does, is asked to leave because she starts a fight with someone in the class and I have another freshman who comes to school high some mornings....and then I have 5 fantastic students who are on time to class every single day, who greet me in and out of the classroom, who ask how my day was or how my family was, who ask questions and want to succeed in class but also beyond. Those 5 students are some of the most resilent and fantastic individuals I have met...they show up and they might be hungry, or upset from the night before, or tired but they give 100% and are respectful and those are the 5 that I teach too. I wish I could say all 14 of mine have those same characteristics, but you know what...if I can teach to those 5 and help the other 9 to change their life in SOME aspect, then I will have succeeded.
One more week...5 more days to teach...5 days to make a HUGE impact in one of those children's lives...I can do it.
--------------------------------------------
P.S. On another note, I got a huge compliment on Tuesday...I now have an instructional aide working in my classroom 3 periods during the day. He is fantastic and a huge help to both me but also the students. But, the students were all not that receptive to having a "stranger" in the room and on Tuesday were asking me questions about why we need him, what he will do, etc and my one student (who is usually awesome, but not always) said,
"But you are such a great teacher-you don't need any help. You do just fine on your own."
Oh, if only he knew how much stress he causes me!!!!!
This is not to say I have given up. I think that I have done anything but that. But, I think I have begun to get frustrated that my students don't necessarily care about their learning and/or grades. They sit in class, some listen and some don't, and then they complain or tear the quiz up when they can't answer the questions. If they would half the effort into their learning as they do with their disruptions, their potential would soar. Class would be enjoyable 95% of the time and we would have WAY more fun than we are right now. The same handful of students continue to give me problems and I have now resorted to trying to work with them, but also dismissing them from class for the day...it gets to them more than they admit to me.
The second grading period ends next Friday and I have a senior who is failing 5 out of 6 of his classes and doesn't seem to care (he has passed the previous 3 years). I have tried multiple strategies to engage him and just can't seem to. I have a junior who sits in the back of the room with a blank stare and completes just about 5% of his work. I have a freshman who comes to school just about once a month and each time she does, is asked to leave because she starts a fight with someone in the class and I have another freshman who comes to school high some mornings....and then I have 5 fantastic students who are on time to class every single day, who greet me in and out of the classroom, who ask how my day was or how my family was, who ask questions and want to succeed in class but also beyond. Those 5 students are some of the most resilent and fantastic individuals I have met...they show up and they might be hungry, or upset from the night before, or tired but they give 100% and are respectful and those are the 5 that I teach too. I wish I could say all 14 of mine have those same characteristics, but you know what...if I can teach to those 5 and help the other 9 to change their life in SOME aspect, then I will have succeeded.
One more week...5 more days to teach...5 days to make a HUGE impact in one of those children's lives...I can do it.
--------------------------------------------
P.S. On another note, I got a huge compliment on Tuesday...I now have an instructional aide working in my classroom 3 periods during the day. He is fantastic and a huge help to both me but also the students. But, the students were all not that receptive to having a "stranger" in the room and on Tuesday were asking me questions about why we need him, what he will do, etc and my one student (who is usually awesome, but not always) said,
"But you are such a great teacher-you don't need any help. You do just fine on your own."
Oh, if only he knew how much stress he causes me!!!!!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Dis-illusionment
The typical 1st year teacher's cycle looks something like this:
Anticipation - July, August
Survival - September
Disillusionment - October, November, December
Rejuvenation - January, February, March
Reflection - April, May, June
I will be honest, I was not feeling disillusioned until my assistant principal wrote me an e-mail a week ago expressing her concern for me (in a good way) and telling me that if I can make it to holiday break, that I will have survived the year. Disillusionment can be characterized by feelings of being overwhelmed, constantly stressed, exhausted, sick, and more. I think that in my case, it mostly is just exhaustion. This week I was truly exhausted....I get enough sleep and I eat and I exercise but the emotional toll that these students take on me is exhausting. And I have a long way to go until December 18th...well, about 6 weeks (I think that is the countdown).
I went to church this morning and in a way, it revitalized me. The pastor was talking about being a leader in the workplace and how your leadership is temporary and God has placed you there to influence and lead others in the right direction. I think it bascially summarizes me teaching in Oakland. It reminded me that my students look to me for guidance, for knowledge and to teach them in order to elevate them to a new level. It reminded me that I lead my classroom in the direction it is going to go for that day. And it reminded me to have fun along the way, to celebrate small successes and learn from small failures. After all, I am a first year teacher and everything is nowhere near perfect and that is okay. I still have my students who look to me as the expert and it is my job to enable them to achieve.
So, here I am...sitting in the period of dis-illusionment and if this is the worst that it gets, I can handle it. Exhaustion just means I am working as hard as possible to make my classroom and my students the best it can be. And until December 18th, that is exactly what I will be doing.
Anticipation - July, August
Survival - September
Disillusionment - October, November, December
Rejuvenation - January, February, March
Reflection - April, May, June
I will be honest, I was not feeling disillusioned until my assistant principal wrote me an e-mail a week ago expressing her concern for me (in a good way) and telling me that if I can make it to holiday break, that I will have survived the year. Disillusionment can be characterized by feelings of being overwhelmed, constantly stressed, exhausted, sick, and more. I think that in my case, it mostly is just exhaustion. This week I was truly exhausted....I get enough sleep and I eat and I exercise but the emotional toll that these students take on me is exhausting. And I have a long way to go until December 18th...well, about 6 weeks (I think that is the countdown).
I went to church this morning and in a way, it revitalized me. The pastor was talking about being a leader in the workplace and how your leadership is temporary and God has placed you there to influence and lead others in the right direction. I think it bascially summarizes me teaching in Oakland. It reminded me that my students look to me for guidance, for knowledge and to teach them in order to elevate them to a new level. It reminded me that I lead my classroom in the direction it is going to go for that day. And it reminded me to have fun along the way, to celebrate small successes and learn from small failures. After all, I am a first year teacher and everything is nowhere near perfect and that is okay. I still have my students who look to me as the expert and it is my job to enable them to achieve.
So, here I am...sitting in the period of dis-illusionment and if this is the worst that it gets, I can handle it. Exhaustion just means I am working as hard as possible to make my classroom and my students the best it can be. And until December 18th, that is exactly what I will be doing.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Biggest compliment in the world!
So a student of mine (one of mine who typically gets in trouble) stayed in my class for lunch and made the past 7 weeks all worth it...He started out by asking me if he was going to be allowed to stay in my class for the rest of his high school career and I wasn't clear on what he was asking me so I tried to clarify. He just said that he wanted to stay in my class and that most of his past teachers didn't want him in the class and were very mean to him and others.
I explained to him that I love having him in class and that I can't just kick a student out....he went on to say the following:
Student: Ms. S., you are cool. You have been to prom (a conversation from earlier in the day), you treat me real fair and nice, and I like being in your class.
Me: Thanks, that means more than you know. I think that I try and be as fair as possible and demand a lot from you, but that we also can have fun too at times. I am glad you like being here.
Student: A lot of my past teachers have been real mean. They end up getting hit by students.
Me: I hope that is not going to happen in my class...
Student: NO WAY Ms. S! I really like you as my teacher and so does everyone else in the class. No one would ever do that to you and I would protect you.
Me: Thanks....
Just when I think I can't handle another day of getting cussed at, argued with and fought with a student comes through. In 7 weeks, I have made a difference in this child's life. My strict classroom behavior and expectations for them have shined through....for a student who I have regularly asked to leave class, I got through to him. I know that him and I will have more bad days in the future, but I don't take it personal....this student has had a whole history of terrible educational experiences. In 7 weeks, I have made progress with him by being consistent, positive and academically engaging.
I may not hear those same sentiments from other students whether or not they think like he does or not....but for one student, he likes coming to my classroom and wants to remain with me for the rest of his high school career. This is why I teach in Oakland....
I explained to him that I love having him in class and that I can't just kick a student out....he went on to say the following:
Student: Ms. S., you are cool. You have been to prom (a conversation from earlier in the day), you treat me real fair and nice, and I like being in your class.
Me: Thanks, that means more than you know. I think that I try and be as fair as possible and demand a lot from you, but that we also can have fun too at times. I am glad you like being here.
Student: A lot of my past teachers have been real mean. They end up getting hit by students.
Me: I hope that is not going to happen in my class...
Student: NO WAY Ms. S! I really like you as my teacher and so does everyone else in the class. No one would ever do that to you and I would protect you.
Me: Thanks....
Just when I think I can't handle another day of getting cussed at, argued with and fought with a student comes through. In 7 weeks, I have made a difference in this child's life. My strict classroom behavior and expectations for them have shined through....for a student who I have regularly asked to leave class, I got through to him. I know that him and I will have more bad days in the future, but I don't take it personal....this student has had a whole history of terrible educational experiences. In 7 weeks, I have made progress with him by being consistent, positive and academically engaging.
I may not hear those same sentiments from other students whether or not they think like he does or not....but for one student, he likes coming to my classroom and wants to remain with me for the rest of his high school career. This is why I teach in Oakland....
Friday, October 9, 2009
Maybe a lil glimmer of hope
Well, I might have seen a slight glimmer of hope but I don't want to speak TOO soon. I actually enjoyed myself this week at work, for the first time. I enjoyed teaching, we had fun, my students took 2 tests and did pretty well. And I only had to kick out 2 students ALL week. Maybe, just maybe my consistency is paying off...but again, don't want to speak too soon. Today, we had a day off and it was SO nice to be able to work in the classroom for a few hours because I haven't done much work since school began and I got to update things and get it cleaned up.
We have Back to School Night next Thursday evening where we have a pot luck (teachers have to bring a dish) and we hand out report cards (1st grading period) and we meet with parents...typically not very many come, but we will see. I also got put in charge of Homecoming for the football team...I have NO time to do any of this but I am going to try and make it fun. I am trying to coordinate a parade, similar to what we did at USC for each of the grades to compete against each other with a golf cart.
But my students and I built balloon towers yesterday in class. The males competed against the females and the males ended up winning by 2 inches. It was SO much fun! And finally the first GREAT bonding experience between all my students. AND another HUGE step was that I had kids read aloud in English class. I usually can only convince two students to read aloud but yesterday I used a new strategy and got all but two kids to read aloud...it was a BIG step!
But alas, this weekend I will be working on putting together lesson plans for next week and completing IEPS. Let's see how next week goes...hopefully more teaching and less babysitting
We have Back to School Night next Thursday evening where we have a pot luck (teachers have to bring a dish) and we hand out report cards (1st grading period) and we meet with parents...typically not very many come, but we will see. I also got put in charge of Homecoming for the football team...I have NO time to do any of this but I am going to try and make it fun. I am trying to coordinate a parade, similar to what we did at USC for each of the grades to compete against each other with a golf cart.
But my students and I built balloon towers yesterday in class. The males competed against the females and the males ended up winning by 2 inches. It was SO much fun! And finally the first GREAT bonding experience between all my students. AND another HUGE step was that I had kids read aloud in English class. I usually can only convince two students to read aloud but yesterday I used a new strategy and got all but two kids to read aloud...it was a BIG step!
But alas, this weekend I will be working on putting together lesson plans for next week and completing IEPS. Let's see how next week goes...hopefully more teaching and less babysitting
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wow
Well, this week has been a complete experience. I think my class has hit just about where it typically is (evidenced by some of the students comments and others actions). This week, fighting has been a norm, verbal arguments have been typical and I have felt like a manager of behavior trying to prevent fights rather than teaching. I had a breakdown yesterday and scheduled a meeting with my principal and assistant principal to discuss action steps because the class couldn't continue like it was. Two of my female students asked me at separate times:
1. Why are people so mean?
2. I hate coming to school because I have to deal with these people in the classroom and security is constantly inside.
I just hate the fact that I have 6-7 incredible students who come to school because they want to learn and I have not been able to fully teach them because I am managing the other 6-7 people in the classroom. So anyway, I relayed all this information and more to my principal yesterday and felt much better after I left.
Today, I dismissed half of the class for either classroom behavior (refusing to sit in their seat, rapping inappropriately-my vocabulary has been largely expanded, or just pure dis-respect) and the other half of class for fighting. Each of them will be having a parent-teacher-student conference tomorrow before they are allowed back in class. So, I hope that we sent a message to them today not to mess around and that class is for learning and for nothing else. It is seriously just crazy how short their tempers are and how inappropriate some of their language towards one another is.
But alas, I show up and I teach and I support and I am here. The end of the 1st grading period is next week and it will be a major wake-up call to many students in my class. They receive a grade for being on time and completing the warm-up and 95% of my students are NOT in class to do that warm-up which is pathetic that they don't care. So the average grade in each of my classes is a D......really sad.
Here is to Friday and hopefully the good that results from dismissing students from class for the day.
1. Why are people so mean?
2. I hate coming to school because I have to deal with these people in the classroom and security is constantly inside.
I just hate the fact that I have 6-7 incredible students who come to school because they want to learn and I have not been able to fully teach them because I am managing the other 6-7 people in the classroom. So anyway, I relayed all this information and more to my principal yesterday and felt much better after I left.
Today, I dismissed half of the class for either classroom behavior (refusing to sit in their seat, rapping inappropriately-my vocabulary has been largely expanded, or just pure dis-respect) and the other half of class for fighting. Each of them will be having a parent-teacher-student conference tomorrow before they are allowed back in class. So, I hope that we sent a message to them today not to mess around and that class is for learning and for nothing else. It is seriously just crazy how short their tempers are and how inappropriate some of their language towards one another is.
But alas, I show up and I teach and I support and I am here. The end of the 1st grading period is next week and it will be a major wake-up call to many students in my class. They receive a grade for being on time and completing the warm-up and 95% of my students are NOT in class to do that warm-up which is pathetic that they don't care. So the average grade in each of my classes is a D......really sad.
Here is to Friday and hopefully the good that results from dismissing students from class for the day.
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