Dis-illusionment

The typical 1st year teacher's cycle looks something like this:

Anticipation - July, August
Survival - September
Disillusionment - October, November, December
Rejuvenation - January, February, March
Reflection - April, May, June

I will be honest, I was not feeling disillusioned until my assistant principal wrote me an e-mail a week ago expressing her concern for me (in a good way) and telling me that if I can make it to holiday break, that I will have survived the year. Disillusionment can be characterized by feelings of being overwhelmed, constantly stressed, exhausted, sick, and more. I think that in my case, it mostly is just exhaustion. This week I was truly exhausted....I get enough sleep and I eat and I exercise but the emotional toll that these students take on me is exhausting. And I have a long way to go until December 18th...well, about 6 weeks (I think that is the countdown).

I went to church this morning and in a way, it revitalized me. The pastor was talking about being a leader in the workplace and how your leadership is temporary and God has placed you there to influence and lead others in the right direction. I think it bascially summarizes me teaching in Oakland. It reminded me that my students look to me for guidance, for knowledge and to teach them in order to elevate them to a new level. It reminded me that I lead my classroom in the direction it is going to go for that day. And it reminded me to have fun along the way, to celebrate small successes and learn from small failures. After all, I am a first year teacher and everything is nowhere near perfect and that is okay. I still have my students who look to me as the expert and it is my job to enable them to achieve.

So, here I am...sitting in the period of dis-illusionment and if this is the worst that it gets, I can handle it. Exhaustion just means I am working as hard as possible to make my classroom and my students the best it can be. And until December 18th, that is exactly what I will be doing.