No one talks...

We lost a student Sunday night. Not just any student, but a senior who was 5 weeks away from graduating. A student who had transferred to our school and had worked tirelessly to raise his GPA so he could walk the stage. A young man who was a leader on our campus and for the men's basketball team. I worked with this young man daily and had just sat with his Mom and him on Friday talking about graduation and creating a plan to ensure he makes it.

And his life ended. He was standing on the sidewalk in front of his house and was killed.

Yesterday, another student I work with had his house shot at twice. He was hit in the hand.

I am numb unsure of how to feel. But my body aches, my heart hearts and my stomach is in knots. I am still processing it all and will continue to each and everyday.

I sit here, at school today, angry and sad. These incidents do not make national news and they barely make local news. Why? As a country are we immune to these tragedies and the conditions in which they occur? Do we not wish to admit that we have cities that are being left behind?

Oakland has had 35 homicides so far and although I don't wish to acknowledge it, I know there will be more this year. Where is the conversation or national coverage? Where is the investigation? Or the public outrage?

I want to talk about this. I want you to talk about this. I want our state and country to talk about this. Conversation is the first step to addressing this. Silence does nothing. Talk. PLEASE. Our kids deserve it.

To be of use...

So fitting for the work that I do daily....

To Be Of Use

The people I love best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight

They seem to become natives of that element

the black sleek heads of seals

bounding like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge

in the task, who go into the fields to harvest

and work in a row and pass the bags along,

who are not parlor generals and field deserters

but move in a common rhythm

when the food must come in or the fire by put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.

Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.

but the thing worth doing well

has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

Greek amphoras for wine or oil

Hopi vases that hold corn are put in museums

but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry

and a person for work that is real.

Marge Piercy

Brought me back...

I had a moment today that brought me back to year # 1. What do you do when an adult wants to physically fight a young person? What do you when both students involved are on your caseload? How do you talk "down" a mother, someone who is your elder, a person from the community, when they are so passionately angry?

The easy answer is to walk away. The easy answer is to turn your back and come back tomorrow forgetting what today brought.

But, in life I have learned there is no easy answer.

So instead, I tried and I failed. I failed to protect the institution of education today. I failed to protect two young people among hundreds. I failed to connect with a passionate parent.

And instead, I cried. I cried during 4th period by myself. I cried because it is painful to watch. It is painful to watch. It is painful to not fully understand one's circumstance despite trying. It is painful to feel helpless. It is painful to feel useless in a situation that so desperately needed me.

And while I cried two students I care deeply for fought among adults.

And then to cap the day off, I held a meeting with a family where the family cried. They cried because they know their young daughter can do so well in school, can graduate and go on to be successful. And again, I watched. I watched feeling empathy and determined to not give up.

Four years after I began this journey, days continue to be just as tough as year 1.

Our superintendent is resigning, our director of special education resigned and so many other teachers will walk out at the end of the school year. I cannot be one of them and that is why I stay. The community I teach in deserves to be a community filled with hope, love, resources and equality. I will have successes this year...today was just not one of them.

A book that summarizes so much of my experience...

In 11th grade English we are doing book circles. It has been amazing to watch students engaging in various books that they selected around the "American Dream". I have begun reading "Our America" written by LeAlan Jones and Lloyd Newman.

On Friday in our book circle talk, I read aloud this quote to the students in my group and it struck me as summarizing so much about my experience within Oakland but also within so many pockets around America....

It is a principal being interviewed by two young boys in Chicago and she makes the following statement:

"And we have difficulty convincing you that we believe in you, that we don't believe that you will grow up to be members of gangs, that you can achieve anything that you want to achieve. We have to convince you of that everyday. And you don't believe that we believe you're smart.

So it's very difficult. It's difficult for some teachers to see the skills that you have. But one of the reasons I am here to help is to train teachers to look at the gifts that you bring with you.

A day to weep...

Over 20 children killed at an elementary school in Connecticut by a gunman. Makes me angry and hurt at our collective humanity.....

And I read this and remember also how powerful we can be collectively:

Tonight, we weep together. I saw a friend tonight as we picked up our kids and she looked at me, and the tears came. It is right and good to share our sorrow, to express it. We are correct to mourn for the children of others.

Because all children belong to us. We need to keep feeling, we need to keep weeping. When we cease to cry collectively, that is when the world really will break.

Never giving up....

Complex issues....race....community...anger...resources

It all came to a boil at school today where we had a riot that shut down not only school but also our street. I don't care to talk about the details except for that it was between three racial groups of students and it built into many smaller fights throughout the campus. Police came and helped to hold it down in order to get things back under control.

I held it together the majority of the class period even though it was very hard to hear students and see them visibly upset. Engaging them in conversation is so layered---the top layer is related to language use toward one another, but when you dig deeper you see that it is not just about race. It is about a community lacking resources, a community filled with violence, a community losing hope, a community struggling financially. And instead of building that community, today students tore it apart. It got brought onto campus and it was not a good day at school.

Watching students grow more and more upset and then releasing them early from school...missing out on key opportunities to learn...it all just broke my heart.

And then as a school community of adults, we gathered. I listened as we brainstormed a plan for Monday-a plan to support students but also send a clear message. A message about the importance of the classroom, the importance of deep conversation where issues are worked out, a message about consequences so this does not happen again. And I cried....

I cried because I feel like I am on the outside looking into an issue that is foreign to me. Yes, I have been exposed to it in the last three years. Yes, I can listen to the issues and empathize but I cannot fully understand because I am not a part of the issues. I cried because I could see the look of despair on individual faces. I cried because all I want to do is impart knowledge and wisdom on the young people. I cried because I worry that I am failing them because I cannot motivate them to work harder or motivate them to come in early or encourage them to be resilient.

And I walked away and vowed that I would rejuvenate myself over the weekend so I can return Monday with not just a smile, but a vow to do all those things. To work harder than I have worked before, to engage in tough conversations, to motivate them, to teach integrity and resilience and hard work, and most of all to teach them to love. To truly love one another....

4 weeks in....reality hits

The "honeymoon" was nice while it lasted. No longer can my smiling face and positive attitude do the trick---relationships need to be solidified, trust needs to be present, and constant love needs to be in the classroom. I was reminded of that today and I lost my patience.

I teach a very tricky class to students whom I don't know all that well. They have all  yet to pass the CAHSEE exam in math and thus need to in order to graduate high school. These are all students who are low on self esteem but tend to hide that with laughter, lack of effort and motivation, and a refusal to work in groups.

Today, I lost it in class. A student provided an answer to a math question I had asked and he was wrong. This particular student has a learning disability and I was so proud of him for sharing his answer. Another young lady laughed the moment he said the wrong answer which is the number one rule I am not willing to negotiate on. She could not see what she did wrong and I proceeded to get angry and lecture.

I don't think I handled it well although I do think I proved the point that it is not tolerated in my classroom. I am not willing to give that up as all students deserve an environment where they can take risks in order to learn. But, I don't think I handled the confrontation well and I wasted classroom minutes in the process.

Here's to tomorrow and not letting a student ruin the classroom community that I have built. Here is to these 22 students passing the Math CAHSEE exam in two weeks and continuing to put their best foot forward.

Here is to the "honeymoon" being over and students investing in deep, caring relationship with adults and each other to further the learning process.

Three weeks in...

Three weeks in and reality has set in. The work that must be done is apparent; the relationships that must be developed are pressing; the DIRE need of certain students is showing itself. In addition to serving special education students, I am teaching a CAHSEE (California High School Exit Exam) math class for students who have yet to pass. It is a class filled with mostly seniors who have not yet passed a test based on 7-8th grade standards. It is the highlight of my day :)

I LOVE it! These are students who have ALWAYS felt unsuccessful in school but they are total sweethearts and trying so hard. I feel like I am ABLE to make them feel successful, push them and be their cheerleader. They get five opportunities to pass this year and if they don't, they don't graduate. I feel IMMENSE pressure to have them pass and I am doing everything possible to make sure that happens. First test date is in October-we shall see.

Here is to building relationships, being consistent, and building a class where each student pushes each other so that they can get to that diploma; I dream about a class where 100% pass this CAHSEE math and 100% of my special education students graduate....

Pray for me :)

Leadership..

Leadership is something I have been thinking a lot about as I enter both my fourth year teaching and enter with a desire to do something bigger. This is a GREAT reminder of the small moments that make all the difference...

http://www.ted.com/talks/drew_dudley_everyday_leadership.html?source=tumblr#.UCCNFgnzRLO.tumblr

Bring on Year #4....

It is hard to believe I am about to start my 4th year of teaching. I report back tomorrow morning and feel a wave of emotions. I am excited, nervous, anxious and scared but am SO excited because it all feels right.

Although I will be teaching at the same school, I am taking on a new role as a resource specialist. It is still working with students with disabilities but more in the general education environment. All students on my caseload are in general education classes and it is my job to ensure they are successful whether that is through co-teaching or small group pull-out. I am really excited to transition into this new role. I think that I will encounter some challenges that will be very different than my challenges the last three years. I am excited to see what is in store for me.

In addition, my school closed. I will be on the same campus, but three schools merged into one. This is an exciting time, but also a challenging one. Look for more on this as time passes in the next couple of weeks. I feel fortunate to be at a school where the possibilities are endless and my professional growth as a teacher leader is valued.

May this year bring much success, laughter, moments of glory, hard work and dedication....May it also bring stories of success for the young people who walk through the doors on August 27th!

Thoughtful and meaningful gift

After 3 years of teaching a young man, he gave me this as a thank-you gift on Friday....

He came to me after being in Non-Public Day School and living in a group home. We had our fair share of behavior issues, trust issues, attendance and attitude issues but I do believe that I changed his life in a positive way.

Last school year, I put a different quote on the whiteboard each day. Some days I would read it aloud to the class, some days students would comment on it and some days it would just go untouched and unnoticed. Or so I thought.

These two quote boards will forever symbolize my classroom and my first three years teaching at my school. They represent the love, passion, inspiration, dedication and resiliency that my students showed me but I also showed to them. It paid off. This young man noticed. He changed his life in a positive way and is on his way to accomplishing his dreams. And I know that I played a part in that.

Because he noticed, he wanted to give back to me. Well, he gave me the perfect thing. Quotes that will symbolize and represent all that he NOTICED and all that he gave to me.

Nothing but love...

Final words from my principal...

At our school closing celebration, my principal said these words about me (I forever want to remember these as she is a mentor and a close friend and her words mean the world to me)...

I see in you the hope and light and sunshine and Martin Luther King Jr. style compassion and goodness. I see dedication and tenacity and pure will and a golden heart. I see you smiling through the low and the rough. I see perseverance and a deep sense of purpose. I have been lucky to know you, to watch you grow as a teacher, to witness your leadership through shining positive example. You are a practitioner of love, and this practice has enveloped the people around you.

A thousand words...

A thousand words come to mind when I see these pictures (more on what those words are another day) but I started three years ago with among others, these 5 students. Yesterday, they made their dreams a reality when they graduated high school. Kind words, tears, gratitude, smiles and passion were shared between them, their families and myself and it just further RE-AFFIRMED that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing in life.

Who woulda thought teaching adults could be AS enriching as teaching our youth?

I had no idea but this year I was given the opportunity to teach a credentialing class to first year teachers and I am SO GLAD I did it. Not only did I learn a lot about teaching adults, but it continually pushed my own teaching practice and along the way, people re-affirmed my ability to inspire others. It also confirmed that down the road, I would love to work at a university as a professor.

In the card that I received, here are a few things that the participants wrote (it touched me in a BIG way):

• Thank you for everything. It has been a pleasure learning from you this past year. You inspired me to continually work hard to impact student achievement in a positive way.
• Thank you for all of the inspiration, guidance, and support. This year has been filled with many moments where your kindness and help have kept me focused, grounded and positive.
• Thank you so much for all your have done. While I have learned many things from you-the biggest one is what it means to teach from the heart. All of the heartfelt thoughtful things you did-things even as simple as an encouraging e-mail are so powerful and I am more conscious of what it means to teach from the heart and show my students I appreciate their work because of you.

I hope I continually get these opportunities. It pushes me as a person, a practitioner and a leader.

Teacher Appreciation Day...

Yesterday was Teacher Appreciation Day and I received two very sweet notes from students....want to commit them to memory so here they are:

I appreciate Ms. S because she has pushed me harder than anyone I know and she encourages me to do better at reading, math and chemistry. I would also like to thank her for everything she has done for me. The best, greatest and always a motivator Ms. S.....

Thank you Ms. S for being nice to me and to help me on everything that I need help in class and I'm so glad to have you this year too because you teach me new things about senior year and I promise to work more hard in class because I want to graduate this June. I am going to do it thanks to you. Love you Ms. S.

I will forever treasure these two notes.....lot of love

Summer bucket list

This summer I will be working to help coordinate a summer camp. I am excited as it will be brainless, but fun work with kids at a younger age....but I am also determined to make it a F.U.N summer-I need it. So, here it goes-a list of thing I have yet to do in the Bay Area but want to.....

Sail on the Bay

Go eat at Dopo in Oakland (best italian around!)

Shuck oysters on the coast

Hike Mt. Tamalpais

Eat at Chez Paniesse (Completed!!!!)

Make my own “summer” wreath

Hit up one of SF’s museum night events

Spend an entire day outside-cafes, lakes, hiking, pool, 

Take a weekend vacation for myself

Coppola Winery for the day and lounge by the pool

End of year # 3

Well, who would have thought it? I am nearing the end of year three and I have so many emotions, thoughts, disappointments and successes that come to mind. I have 5 kiddos graduating this year and I couldn't be more excited. These are all students I have worked with the majority of my time and I am so excited for them....

Things are changing at my school. This is our last year as we are merging back into 1 comprehensive high school. I think it offers a lot of positives, but I also can't say I am not sad. An era is ending-a community is closing down, a tight-knit family is disbanding....I know the comprehensive high school will be successful, but it is really hard to watch a school live its last days. Students, families, the community and teachers identify with the school and its values which will merge with two other small schools come Fall 2012. I have lived an experience that has been invaluable in developing myself as an educator. I am so thankful I ended up at the school that I did, with the students I did, the staff and the administrators. Each has been so integral in my development and life-long learning both as a person but also an educator. I am a million times better than I was the day I stepped onto campus. I finally found something I am passionate about and determined to contribute to. No matter what happens, I know that kids are leaving school better than they came---that is something I can be proud of. I know I could have done more, pushed harder, demanded more, cried less, dedicated more but I also know I held high expectations for the young people I serve and most met them. The ones they didn't-that is my failure and something I will learn from moving into my future.

I am grateful...I am humbled...I am determined...I am passionate...I have a fire lit in my soul that pushes me daily to continue in the work I am doing...three years and still moving forward, each and everyday.

What doe success look like....

Three years ago, I could not have imagined this today....

Students have been reading a book for the last three weeks and today they finished the book. I have been so proud of them as they have read individually, in pairs and as a class. Today it came full circle when there wasn't a single noise for 40 minutes...

They LOVE reading!

Losing a student....

Tomorrow is the last day for one of my students and not just any student but a young man who has really impacted my life. This is his 2nd year with me-he is bright, has a heart of gold, dedicated to his education, insightful, loving and extremely caring. Although he is just 5 foot, he holds his own socially and I have seen so much growth from him. He has never been disrespectful to me and showers the classroom with laughter and love.

His home life is not perfect, but he handles it with care and spends most of his hours on the school campus which allows him to "get away" from the struggles at home. He is moving on to live with his Dad in which I am excited for him, but worry about him getting 'lost' in another school.

Just thinking about not having him the classroom brings tears to my eyes. I know there are great teachers out there who will take really good care of his emotional, social and academic being but it is so hard for me. That young man hasn't ever had anyone tell him that they love him until me. He admitted to his therapist that I am the first teacher to deeply care about him and that he can't really believe it when he hears me tell him that I love him. He told her that I am the nicest teacher he has ever had and that even if he wanted to say something bad to me, he couldn't because I never get upset.

This young man lights up the room when he walks in, he makes me laugh, he teaches me things on a daily basis and reminds me to continually become a better person. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to teach him. He is the reason I teach in Oakland. He is the reason I wake up excited to go to work. He is the reason I want to become an even better teacher.

You will be missed deeply but you have taught me more than you will ever know. I can't wait to hear and see the great things you continue to do. Peace & love