The typical 1st year teacher's cycle looks something like this:
Anticipation - July, August
Survival - September
Disillusionment - October, November, December
Rejuvenation - January, February, March
Reflection - April, May, June
I will be honest, I was not feeling disillusioned until my assistant principal wrote me an e-mail a week ago expressing her concern for me (in a good way) and telling me that if I can make it to holiday break, that I will have survived the year. Disillusionment can be characterized by feelings of being overwhelmed, constantly stressed, exhausted, sick, and more. I think that in my case, it mostly is just exhaustion. This week I was truly exhausted....I get enough sleep and I eat and I exercise but the emotional toll that these students take on me is exhausting. And I have a long way to go until December 18th...well, about 6 weeks (I think that is the countdown).
I went to church this morning and in a way, it revitalized me. The pastor was talking about being a leader in the workplace and how your leadership is temporary and God has placed you there to influence and lead others in the right direction. I think it bascially summarizes me teaching in Oakland. It reminded me that my students look to me for guidance, for knowledge and to teach them in order to elevate them to a new level. It reminded me that I lead my classroom in the direction it is going to go for that day. And it reminded me to have fun along the way, to celebrate small successes and learn from small failures. After all, I am a first year teacher and everything is nowhere near perfect and that is okay. I still have my students who look to me as the expert and it is my job to enable them to achieve.
So, here I am...sitting in the period of dis-illusionment and if this is the worst that it gets, I can handle it. Exhaustion just means I am working as hard as possible to make my classroom and my students the best it can be. And until December 18th, that is exactly what I will be doing.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Biggest compliment in the world!
So a student of mine (one of mine who typically gets in trouble) stayed in my class for lunch and made the past 7 weeks all worth it...He started out by asking me if he was going to be allowed to stay in my class for the rest of his high school career and I wasn't clear on what he was asking me so I tried to clarify. He just said that he wanted to stay in my class and that most of his past teachers didn't want him in the class and were very mean to him and others.
I explained to him that I love having him in class and that I can't just kick a student out....he went on to say the following:
Student: Ms. S., you are cool. You have been to prom (a conversation from earlier in the day), you treat me real fair and nice, and I like being in your class.
Me: Thanks, that means more than you know. I think that I try and be as fair as possible and demand a lot from you, but that we also can have fun too at times. I am glad you like being here.
Student: A lot of my past teachers have been real mean. They end up getting hit by students.
Me: I hope that is not going to happen in my class...
Student: NO WAY Ms. S! I really like you as my teacher and so does everyone else in the class. No one would ever do that to you and I would protect you.
Me: Thanks....
Just when I think I can't handle another day of getting cussed at, argued with and fought with a student comes through. In 7 weeks, I have made a difference in this child's life. My strict classroom behavior and expectations for them have shined through....for a student who I have regularly asked to leave class, I got through to him. I know that him and I will have more bad days in the future, but I don't take it personal....this student has had a whole history of terrible educational experiences. In 7 weeks, I have made progress with him by being consistent, positive and academically engaging.
I may not hear those same sentiments from other students whether or not they think like he does or not....but for one student, he likes coming to my classroom and wants to remain with me for the rest of his high school career. This is why I teach in Oakland....
I explained to him that I love having him in class and that I can't just kick a student out....he went on to say the following:
Student: Ms. S., you are cool. You have been to prom (a conversation from earlier in the day), you treat me real fair and nice, and I like being in your class.
Me: Thanks, that means more than you know. I think that I try and be as fair as possible and demand a lot from you, but that we also can have fun too at times. I am glad you like being here.
Student: A lot of my past teachers have been real mean. They end up getting hit by students.
Me: I hope that is not going to happen in my class...
Student: NO WAY Ms. S! I really like you as my teacher and so does everyone else in the class. No one would ever do that to you and I would protect you.
Me: Thanks....
Just when I think I can't handle another day of getting cussed at, argued with and fought with a student comes through. In 7 weeks, I have made a difference in this child's life. My strict classroom behavior and expectations for them have shined through....for a student who I have regularly asked to leave class, I got through to him. I know that him and I will have more bad days in the future, but I don't take it personal....this student has had a whole history of terrible educational experiences. In 7 weeks, I have made progress with him by being consistent, positive and academically engaging.
I may not hear those same sentiments from other students whether or not they think like he does or not....but for one student, he likes coming to my classroom and wants to remain with me for the rest of his high school career. This is why I teach in Oakland....
Friday, October 9, 2009
Maybe a lil glimmer of hope
Well, I might have seen a slight glimmer of hope but I don't want to speak TOO soon. I actually enjoyed myself this week at work, for the first time. I enjoyed teaching, we had fun, my students took 2 tests and did pretty well. And I only had to kick out 2 students ALL week. Maybe, just maybe my consistency is paying off...but again, don't want to speak too soon. Today, we had a day off and it was SO nice to be able to work in the classroom for a few hours because I haven't done much work since school began and I got to update things and get it cleaned up.
We have Back to School Night next Thursday evening where we have a pot luck (teachers have to bring a dish) and we hand out report cards (1st grading period) and we meet with parents...typically not very many come, but we will see. I also got put in charge of Homecoming for the football team...I have NO time to do any of this but I am going to try and make it fun. I am trying to coordinate a parade, similar to what we did at USC for each of the grades to compete against each other with a golf cart.
But my students and I built balloon towers yesterday in class. The males competed against the females and the males ended up winning by 2 inches. It was SO much fun! And finally the first GREAT bonding experience between all my students. AND another HUGE step was that I had kids read aloud in English class. I usually can only convince two students to read aloud but yesterday I used a new strategy and got all but two kids to read aloud...it was a BIG step!
But alas, this weekend I will be working on putting together lesson plans for next week and completing IEPS. Let's see how next week goes...hopefully more teaching and less babysitting
We have Back to School Night next Thursday evening where we have a pot luck (teachers have to bring a dish) and we hand out report cards (1st grading period) and we meet with parents...typically not very many come, but we will see. I also got put in charge of Homecoming for the football team...I have NO time to do any of this but I am going to try and make it fun. I am trying to coordinate a parade, similar to what we did at USC for each of the grades to compete against each other with a golf cart.
But my students and I built balloon towers yesterday in class. The males competed against the females and the males ended up winning by 2 inches. It was SO much fun! And finally the first GREAT bonding experience between all my students. AND another HUGE step was that I had kids read aloud in English class. I usually can only convince two students to read aloud but yesterday I used a new strategy and got all but two kids to read aloud...it was a BIG step!
But alas, this weekend I will be working on putting together lesson plans for next week and completing IEPS. Let's see how next week goes...hopefully more teaching and less babysitting
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wow
Well, this week has been a complete experience. I think my class has hit just about where it typically is (evidenced by some of the students comments and others actions). This week, fighting has been a norm, verbal arguments have been typical and I have felt like a manager of behavior trying to prevent fights rather than teaching. I had a breakdown yesterday and scheduled a meeting with my principal and assistant principal to discuss action steps because the class couldn't continue like it was. Two of my female students asked me at separate times:
1. Why are people so mean?
2. I hate coming to school because I have to deal with these people in the classroom and security is constantly inside.
I just hate the fact that I have 6-7 incredible students who come to school because they want to learn and I have not been able to fully teach them because I am managing the other 6-7 people in the classroom. So anyway, I relayed all this information and more to my principal yesterday and felt much better after I left.
Today, I dismissed half of the class for either classroom behavior (refusing to sit in their seat, rapping inappropriately-my vocabulary has been largely expanded, or just pure dis-respect) and the other half of class for fighting. Each of them will be having a parent-teacher-student conference tomorrow before they are allowed back in class. So, I hope that we sent a message to them today not to mess around and that class is for learning and for nothing else. It is seriously just crazy how short their tempers are and how inappropriate some of their language towards one another is.
But alas, I show up and I teach and I support and I am here. The end of the 1st grading period is next week and it will be a major wake-up call to many students in my class. They receive a grade for being on time and completing the warm-up and 95% of my students are NOT in class to do that warm-up which is pathetic that they don't care. So the average grade in each of my classes is a D......really sad.
Here is to Friday and hopefully the good that results from dismissing students from class for the day.
1. Why are people so mean?
2. I hate coming to school because I have to deal with these people in the classroom and security is constantly inside.
I just hate the fact that I have 6-7 incredible students who come to school because they want to learn and I have not been able to fully teach them because I am managing the other 6-7 people in the classroom. So anyway, I relayed all this information and more to my principal yesterday and felt much better after I left.
Today, I dismissed half of the class for either classroom behavior (refusing to sit in their seat, rapping inappropriately-my vocabulary has been largely expanded, or just pure dis-respect) and the other half of class for fighting. Each of them will be having a parent-teacher-student conference tomorrow before they are allowed back in class. So, I hope that we sent a message to them today not to mess around and that class is for learning and for nothing else. It is seriously just crazy how short their tempers are and how inappropriate some of their language towards one another is.
But alas, I show up and I teach and I support and I am here. The end of the 1st grading period is next week and it will be a major wake-up call to many students in my class. They receive a grade for being on time and completing the warm-up and 95% of my students are NOT in class to do that warm-up which is pathetic that they don't care. So the average grade in each of my classes is a D......really sad.
Here is to Friday and hopefully the good that results from dismissing students from class for the day.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A doozy of a day...
I thought I should blog about today while it was fresh in my mind and before I forget the sheer emotion that came out throughout the day. I have great intuition and just had a feeling this morning that I was in for a not so great day and boy, was I correct.
We got through 1st period just fine with the students super engaged and on task; it helped that my principal stopped by for half of the period. But, then the start of 2nd period came and here is where we never recovered. One of my male students came in late rapping loudly and I reminded him that if he is late he needs to come in quietly and start the warm-up. He gave me attitude but sat down and I was giving more directions when a female student (who is 6 months pregnant) told the male student to stop rapping so she could hear my instructions. He got upset, started rapping about her and before I knew it both students were out of their seats cussing at one another and starting to talk about how they should go outside to fight. I asked the male student to remove himself from the room when he said, 'I am cool. F**k no, I am not going outside.' I went outside to try and track down a security guard when I saw my assistant principal and asked her to escort a student. She came inside and it quickly got worse. With the help of other students we got the male student outside, and people restrained the female student. I think what absolutely floored me is that this population of students feels that it is TOTALLY okay to speak to whoever with dis-respect. It DOES NOT matter if you are a male or female-totally bizarre. And from that point until lunch, I just lost the class. People were running their mouth, walking around the room, not listening. It was just terrible. And for the 1st time, with 20 minutes to go, I just gave up. I did because no one was listening and nothing I did was changing that.
I sat in my room during lunch and cried when an air conditioner technician walked through the door to fix my air conditioner and instead just sat with me for an hour. I had never met the man but for an hour, he listened and affirmed that indeed, I am doing a noble thing and I am making a difference. The pure fact that I show up, and care (evident by my frustration in crying) is more than these students will ever express and at some point in the year, 2-3 of them will reap the rewards of my hard work. I truly believe that at that moment, God was watching down on me because he was just about the nicest stranger I have ever met and I walked away knowing that I cannot give up.
I blame my students for their behavior and they are in control of what they say and what they do BUT I also don't blame them to a certain extent because in their everyday environment they constantly see it around them.
I walked away super frustrated and upset today but with my tears dried up because a stranger told me that I could call him anytime if I ever need to hear that I am doing something good in this world and that these kids need me.
So, here's to Friday and the students who show up to learn and the tough face that I will put on when I walk into my classroom.
We got through 1st period just fine with the students super engaged and on task; it helped that my principal stopped by for half of the period. But, then the start of 2nd period came and here is where we never recovered. One of my male students came in late rapping loudly and I reminded him that if he is late he needs to come in quietly and start the warm-up. He gave me attitude but sat down and I was giving more directions when a female student (who is 6 months pregnant) told the male student to stop rapping so she could hear my instructions. He got upset, started rapping about her and before I knew it both students were out of their seats cussing at one another and starting to talk about how they should go outside to fight. I asked the male student to remove himself from the room when he said, 'I am cool. F**k no, I am not going outside.' I went outside to try and track down a security guard when I saw my assistant principal and asked her to escort a student. She came inside and it quickly got worse. With the help of other students we got the male student outside, and people restrained the female student. I think what absolutely floored me is that this population of students feels that it is TOTALLY okay to speak to whoever with dis-respect. It DOES NOT matter if you are a male or female-totally bizarre. And from that point until lunch, I just lost the class. People were running their mouth, walking around the room, not listening. It was just terrible. And for the 1st time, with 20 minutes to go, I just gave up. I did because no one was listening and nothing I did was changing that.
I sat in my room during lunch and cried when an air conditioner technician walked through the door to fix my air conditioner and instead just sat with me for an hour. I had never met the man but for an hour, he listened and affirmed that indeed, I am doing a noble thing and I am making a difference. The pure fact that I show up, and care (evident by my frustration in crying) is more than these students will ever express and at some point in the year, 2-3 of them will reap the rewards of my hard work. I truly believe that at that moment, God was watching down on me because he was just about the nicest stranger I have ever met and I walked away knowing that I cannot give up.
I blame my students for their behavior and they are in control of what they say and what they do BUT I also don't blame them to a certain extent because in their everyday environment they constantly see it around them.
I walked away super frustrated and upset today but with my tears dried up because a stranger told me that I could call him anytime if I ever need to hear that I am doing something good in this world and that these kids need me.
So, here's to Friday and the students who show up to learn and the tough face that I will put on when I walk into my classroom.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Made it through the 10th day of teaching...
And I couldn't be more excited. Although week 2 did not hold a fist fight, it did hold other stories that tried and tested my patience, my determination and my will. There are just a couple of highlights that I will share and then I want to write about my initial opinion into OUSD and just why this job is so challenging.
I continue to get new students everyday. Now, for some this may not seem like a big deal but in my class, each new student adds a new dynamic to the class, a new personality for me to get used to, another student to figure out what they can and can not do, and another worry of who they will get along with and who they won't. The last two students who joined my class are both out from juvenile hall. The good is they are on parole and have to be on their best behavior; the bad is they scare me, a little bit.
My favorite student (being sarcastic) continues to test me for the 4.5 hours he is in my class. He has the most ability in my class and should be in general education classes but is in my class because of his behavior. When I have the opportunity to work with him 1 v 1 or talk with him 1 v 1, he is great and gets exactly what he should and should not be doing. But, Wednesday and Thursday I had to kick him out of class for inappropriate behavior, language, gestures and on Thursday a female student and him got into a verbal argument. Bizarre! I am still waiting for the one student who has been in the class in the past to show up-he is a handful and will completly change the class dynamic...he was on campus on Friday which makes me think he may come on Monday-I need to get the F**k ready.
But all in all...we are learning. Maybe not as quickly as I would like and not as effective as it could be, but we are learning. And I show up each and everyday to teach and be there for the 18 kids in my class. I am still constantly looking for new techniques and new ways of doing things, but as my Mom reminded me, I have only been teaching for 10 days.
OUSD is an interesting place. The services or lack thereof are absolutly incredible. One such story is about textbooks. If you are familar with the Williams Law, you know that it promises students the right to have a textbook in every class, to have the classrooms clean and so forth. So, people come around to the different schools and check the classes to make sure that there are textbooks for every student. Well, Friday afternoon my principal called an emergency meeting and proceeded to tell us that we just got the shipment of books in and that we need to disperse them to each classroom and then Monday afternoon they will take the shipment away. So, OUSD has hired a man who drives around a van transporting textbooks to drop off at schools before the Williams people arrive and then he picks them up to take them to the next school. Illegal? YES! Crazy? YES!
There are many moments during the day where I challenge what I am doing, but I am growing tough skin and realizing that I am doing the best that I can. And I can only get better. So, here's to the next 10 days of teaching....
I continue to get new students everyday. Now, for some this may not seem like a big deal but in my class, each new student adds a new dynamic to the class, a new personality for me to get used to, another student to figure out what they can and can not do, and another worry of who they will get along with and who they won't. The last two students who joined my class are both out from juvenile hall. The good is they are on parole and have to be on their best behavior; the bad is they scare me, a little bit.
My favorite student (being sarcastic) continues to test me for the 4.5 hours he is in my class. He has the most ability in my class and should be in general education classes but is in my class because of his behavior. When I have the opportunity to work with him 1 v 1 or talk with him 1 v 1, he is great and gets exactly what he should and should not be doing. But, Wednesday and Thursday I had to kick him out of class for inappropriate behavior, language, gestures and on Thursday a female student and him got into a verbal argument. Bizarre! I am still waiting for the one student who has been in the class in the past to show up-he is a handful and will completly change the class dynamic...he was on campus on Friday which makes me think he may come on Monday-I need to get the F**k ready.
But all in all...we are learning. Maybe not as quickly as I would like and not as effective as it could be, but we are learning. And I show up each and everyday to teach and be there for the 18 kids in my class. I am still constantly looking for new techniques and new ways of doing things, but as my Mom reminded me, I have only been teaching for 10 days.
OUSD is an interesting place. The services or lack thereof are absolutly incredible. One such story is about textbooks. If you are familar with the Williams Law, you know that it promises students the right to have a textbook in every class, to have the classrooms clean and so forth. So, people come around to the different schools and check the classes to make sure that there are textbooks for every student. Well, Friday afternoon my principal called an emergency meeting and proceeded to tell us that we just got the shipment of books in and that we need to disperse them to each classroom and then Monday afternoon they will take the shipment away. So, OUSD has hired a man who drives around a van transporting textbooks to drop off at schools before the Williams people arrive and then he picks them up to take them to the next school. Illegal? YES! Crazy? YES!
There are many moments during the day where I challenge what I am doing, but I am growing tough skin and realizing that I am doing the best that I can. And I can only get better. So, here's to the next 10 days of teaching....
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Almost the end of the 1st week-shit
What a first week it has been! I have cried (multiple times), been so nervous I couldn't sleep, been so anxious I couldn't eat, laughed, smiled and gotten to know 12 amazing high school students in the process. I knew this was going to be difficult but I don't think I actually knew just how hard and exhausting this was going to be. At times, I see myself making a difference in these students lives but at times, they test and try me to almost the end of my string before I catch myself and take a deep breath and use a calming voice with each one of them...
Where to begin?
-Maybe I should begin when the fist fight broke out in class.
-Or when a girl confronted a boy and the boy said to her, 'You better sit down or I am going to F*** you and your baby up'...she is 6 months pregnant.
-Or when a student who is only in special education because of his behavior whispered in my ear today, "Ms. S-when do you think we could work on getting me into general education? I am ready to prove that I am ready."
-Or when I get asked every period of every day if I like EOSA. I respond "yes" and then the student(s) proceed to tell me, "Just get ready-you haven't seen anything yet. It is just the 3rd day of school." Scary part is...I feel like I have seen and heard it all but they are right-there is more to come, I am sure of it.
It is fact that 8 out of every 10 students at my high school have experience a medium size trauma whether that be a death in their family due to a violent crime, a sex act committed to them, an emotional disturbance that occurred, or something else. These students talk matter of factly about getting shot (a student in my class just had gotten shot in the arm-he had a full arm cast and another student is in a wheelchair because he got shot at the age of 10), friends and family dying from gang violence, HIV (the rate is VERY high in East Oakland), rape (also very high in teens in East Oakland), and I have 3 students who are pregnant. I just hope that I can expose them to what is out there and prove to them that by working hard in the classroom, they can get out of east oakland and what they know. Right now, they dont believe a word I say because I am a total stranger to them and one they think is going to walk out on them. They also ask me every single day if I am going to leave because for these kids, that is all they know.
Well let me say that even though I have had my fair share of breakdowns in the first week, I am staying. They can push me and challenge me and make me seriously go crazy, but I will get through to them. I will win their trust and I will show them the endless possibilities they have for their life. For my students it may not be college but it can be a job and a good job-not one at fast food or Wal-Mart.
They are smart and for the most part, work hard. But they can be smarter and they can work harder. I have been pushing "every minute counts" as a class motto (it has yet to be picked up by the students) but the rate of absences and tardies is unbelieveable. If only they realized that every minute does count.
There are endless challenges in front of me. Each one I face with a smile on my face and the determination to keep working...for now, that is all I got. I am not the best teacher, I don't use the best tactics and I am learning each and everyday. But, I will earn their trust and we will work so that they can each change the world-in the way that they each want to....
Where to begin?
-Maybe I should begin when the fist fight broke out in class.
-Or when a girl confronted a boy and the boy said to her, 'You better sit down or I am going to F*** you and your baby up'...she is 6 months pregnant.
-Or when a student who is only in special education because of his behavior whispered in my ear today, "Ms. S-when do you think we could work on getting me into general education? I am ready to prove that I am ready."
-Or when I get asked every period of every day if I like EOSA. I respond "yes" and then the student(s) proceed to tell me, "Just get ready-you haven't seen anything yet. It is just the 3rd day of school." Scary part is...I feel like I have seen and heard it all but they are right-there is more to come, I am sure of it.
It is fact that 8 out of every 10 students at my high school have experience a medium size trauma whether that be a death in their family due to a violent crime, a sex act committed to them, an emotional disturbance that occurred, or something else. These students talk matter of factly about getting shot (a student in my class just had gotten shot in the arm-he had a full arm cast and another student is in a wheelchair because he got shot at the age of 10), friends and family dying from gang violence, HIV (the rate is VERY high in East Oakland), rape (also very high in teens in East Oakland), and I have 3 students who are pregnant. I just hope that I can expose them to what is out there and prove to them that by working hard in the classroom, they can get out of east oakland and what they know. Right now, they dont believe a word I say because I am a total stranger to them and one they think is going to walk out on them. They also ask me every single day if I am going to leave because for these kids, that is all they know.
Well let me say that even though I have had my fair share of breakdowns in the first week, I am staying. They can push me and challenge me and make me seriously go crazy, but I will get through to them. I will win their trust and I will show them the endless possibilities they have for their life. For my students it may not be college but it can be a job and a good job-not one at fast food or Wal-Mart.
They are smart and for the most part, work hard. But they can be smarter and they can work harder. I have been pushing "every minute counts" as a class motto (it has yet to be picked up by the students) but the rate of absences and tardies is unbelieveable. If only they realized that every minute does count.
There are endless challenges in front of me. Each one I face with a smile on my face and the determination to keep working...for now, that is all I got. I am not the best teacher, I don't use the best tactics and I am learning each and everyday. But, I will earn their trust and we will work so that they can each change the world-in the way that they each want to....
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